I have a mind-blowing secret. Ready?
*whispers*: I’ve had crushes on celebrities.
Sorry, I had to write “whispers”, I’m a little creepy. Anyway. I thought it would be fun to share the list of all my major crushes since the dawn of time (that I can recall anyway, I’m sure there were plenty more). Maybe someday I’ll write a book that incorporates every single dude on this list.
(Once I actually have followers for this blog) I would love to see your celebrity crushes in the comments!
- Johnathan Taylor Thomas (c. 1st grade): If you are a straight/bi female in my peer group, I KNOW you had a crush on him too. It was law. Like gravity or Lisa Frank stickers.
- Will Smith (c. 4th grade): Very proficient at dealing with aliens. I was terrified of aliens.
- Ashley Parker Angel (c. middle school): From the band O*Town. They had a song called “Shy Girl” and I became convinced that I secretly inspired Ashley to write the song. I also thought I may have inspired “Liquid Dreams”, but I wasn’t entirely sure what the euphemism meant. Actually, I didn’t even know what a “euphemism” was yet.
- Eminem (c. late middle school): Once I realized Ashley wasn’t coming for me, I went to the complete opposite end of the blonde musician spectrum.
- Tom Felton aka Draco Malfoy (c. 9th grade): He may have been playing an 11-year-old in the first Harry Potter movie, but Mr. Felton is actually 1 month older than I am. I looked it up. My friends still called me a creep. I called them Mudbloods.
- Ludacris (c. 10th grade): I thought the “Stand Up” music video was a Surrealist masterpiece (girls eating a chicken leg as big as a horse, 8-bit Luda, babies on a conveyor belt, dancing on a mile-long piece of bacon).
- Jake Gyllenhaal (c. 11th grade): Enter my emo years, cue Donnie Darko. I had a picture of Jake taped inside my TI-89 graphing calculator so I could stare at him when I got bored in Calculus. So much better than a real boyfriend.
- Jacoby Shaddix (c. 12th grade): Papa Roach was from my home town. I think this crush was kind of like when Ross on Friends was making his “freebies” list and took geography into consideration when picking his celebrity top 5. My list wasn’t laminated.
- LEGOLAS (c. the entirety of high school through present): I would be his “diversion” any day.
- Gael Garcia Bernal (c. summer before college): I watched the steamy film Y Tu Mama Tambien in secret (otherwise my mom would have watched it with me and made it awkward). With my 3 years of Spanish class I recognized about every 4th word. I felt so cultured as I stared into his exotic green eyes of mystery.
- John Cho & Kal Penn (c. college): After we hit up White Castle, we’d make a Harold, me, Kumar sandwich.
- Jensen Ackles (c. college): Very proficient at dealing with demons. I was terrified of demons (more realistic than aliens, yes?).
- Mike Skinner (c. college): I already had a thing for British accents thanks to Draco Malfoy and all of the LOTR movies, but now I’d found a Brit that rapped too! I went to a concert of his and as the intro to one of his songs he started bantering with the audience. Then he pointed to me and said, “you look like a hard girl to get”. Okay, so he could have been pointing to my pretty roommate, or my busty friend, or literally any other female within a 10-foot radius, but we all know it was me. Right? Right.
- Charlie Hunnam (c. post-college): Do I even have to justify this one?
- LEGOLAS (c. all the time): just a reminder that this crush continues. I’ve forgiven him for the Hobbit movies.
- Daniel Sharman (c. late-twenties): Looks good even with his eye half-gouged out.